< (unspoken truth)>

" if i get better i will not  be same . i will not be creative i will not special i will not be cared for. i know how this world treat Strong people they forget about you and figure you cant break and if you do you are not revered anymore you back to the suicidal kid "

life cant be like this

(it is ........you just looking for a reason to quit)

why must it always go to that
(because you like to quit its easier than just making it through to the end)

I'm bad with sticking things but i can learn to be better
(and whats keeping you from it )

life is hard
(and it only gets harder)

 The funny things is when i was younger i didn't need people because i didn't do any thing. but now i have things to lose i need people more than ever. i pushed them so i wont feel weak when i did the same with god. I feel like he gave me enough for me to make it without him. Not to spite him but to praise him. Like look how much i did with the minimal amount of help this is because you gave me power thanks.
each time i would go to help is like pressing a hint button. Like i can feel like im disappointing him as if you will a mentor





How can i feel powerful or strong or even special if i have to drag myself to ask for help all the time. Which child are you proud of the one that asks for things all time or the one who gets it. yall can lie and say the one who ask but i know the truth the one who have it together is the one whos desired and be praised
when climbing a mountain if you hear  someone had a crew and all fancy equipment or someone did it alone with the least amount of help which one is more impressive?

i dont want to be average
i dont want to be normal





i want to be IMPRESSIVE I WANT TO BE SPECIAL I WANT TO BE EXTRAORDINARY

I  AT LEAST OWE GOD THAT I OWE HIM TO BE BEYOND EVERYONE AND BE GREAT


I WANT TO BE PERFECT !!!!!!!

I WANT TO BE










more than i actually feel like i am because i always feel






small




insignificant






worthless




minuscule

Men-tors

Me personally, I'm a more hands-on type of learner. I need someone to tell me what to do, how to do it and I will freak it out and make it more personal to me.  Thats how I learned video games I play the tutorial and then just explore the rest through trail and error. Which could be the reason why I like fighting games most of them are the same when you boil it all down. Its more of what type of style works best for this what type of character. However, when it comes down to other activities, I need a certain type of expertise to help me find my way. This is where a mentor would come in.


Lately, I have noticed i do have mentors .......they just don't know it.  I already mentioned video games I have a mentor for that. Art of writing I have a mentor for that. However, who can be a mentor for life?

This where the common person would use religion to fulfill this purpose. Using figures like Jesus, Mohammad,  even Hallie Selassie Now while these figures are great they don't live in modern times in America, so the way they live is completely different. I can take what they said and move accordingly. Another reason why words are important because they can they be left behind. So watch your words.

But someone to look up to its hard without idolizing them it creates a loop that goes with seeing someone and empathizing with someone. This way of thinking can help whatever you studying. you can see how someone reacts to it. Like me, if you get me talking about art I might rant with the intensity that my normally somber and relaxed nature would never push myself to get to. and it's not on purpose its a natural reaction. because I love it so much. It hasn't been people who have this level of intensity and if I meet them they would not have it for the same thing I study so it wouldn't make a good internship.

This is why I want to get around people with the same passions. I need too but I can't find them. maybe if I release more work I could......

Men in particular. The strong presence of masculine energy (i know it doesn't matter by gender but roll with me here ) my brother locked up my father is distant and the older peers in my life that wasn't already my sensai in other areas are not on my type time. So its  struggle....
guess

Safest space

This is the only safe space I can go to.

No one looks for me here.

I just want to be left alone. 

I want to vent but I'm tired of bothering people or dealing with people other emotions or just dealing with me when they have time.

Like I'm a child.

I fought this all just to not to feel like a child.

I work non stop 

I add bills on myself

I accept responsibility like a bad sweater on Christmas and wear that motherfucker as fashionable as possible.

I fix my mental health

....or try to 

I keep in contact with people. 

I make sure I'm good appearance wise. 

I try to control emotion 

Just to show my need to be an adult 

So I can be respected and yet....

I don't .....

Maybe I wasn't ready ......

But if not now then when

I'm already 26

Is it my fault ?

Is it my overbearing mother's?

My disconnected Father's?

No

It's mine.

Why because I'm an adult.....

And everything I do now is all my fault...

Success or failure 

Its all on me.....

I seek independence and found isolation......

I need help...but I was taught survival 

Not to ask for help

They say anger comes from the feeling of being powerless

If you had power you can change what makes you angry

"

To be black and conscious in America is to be in a constant state of rage."

So I'm double angry because I don't feel like I'm ever going to have power.


Why??

I'm always in a state of feeling like survival have to be nearby ......

I have fear an ongoing one that I'm in danger

Not by a person


....still want to not be here


But by failing not just my sel F

But


Everyone.....

But f.a.c.ebok

Can't b shown this

They need 😂😊😍😂😁😆🤣😎🙂😚🤗
Neva ☹️😔😒🤔n



This is my safe space because no matter what i never feel safe


But at least I can control this

Atleastfornow

write emaway /running away

The anxiety killed me 

i cut myself

it was a release 

but so disappointing 

i havent done that since 2014 i believe 

and one night i lost control 

As i say many times before i can repair myself. Thats the easy part to just restore myself. Put my guts back in and stample the wounds shut and keep it pushing. 

However i cant anymore i have "people " who care so it hard to keep pushing them away. As much as i want to be toxic and have unhealthy habits. I have to fight for me.

.....for them.




im needed

im wanted............

My biggest problem is why i dont i want it 

i dont deserve happiness i havent figured this out yet 

Why in my head i dont deserve or see happiness anywhere close in my future 

i have moments of enjoyments  They come and go like everything in life 

you got to go with the twists and turned. 

in speakiing of twist and turns

you know the hardest thing about a rubiks cube 

its not figurng out one color side thats the easy part

the hard part is trying to figure out the rest without messing what you done already. you have take risk then put everything back and if you dont you mess up what color you had and the color you was trying to get. 

Life is money sadly as im coming to realise 

how can a pure soul see hope if bills is in his face

?

medition with medication 

i havent cried yet

.............i still need to 

i need a drink

The stress that overwhelmed me today was uncanny and nothing i have expeiacne in a very long time. I have been up rooted from my comfortable situation due to my own wrong doings and shortcomings. The crazy part my intuition told me this would happen and i didn't listen

"you never do "

this is not the point but its true. I get told of things for my own benefit and get lazy when it comes to doing the advice. I always say intuition is god trying to tell you something if you ignore him long enough he would force you out the situation. Not every good bye is negative . Something you need to cut off in order to grow. and that's what I'm using this time apart from my significant other for .....growth.


Now i can i end it right there with a positive message but I'm sorry i don't feel positive.




I feel hurt disappointed angry sad relieved stressed anxious and many more emotions i don't have names for. Most of all i feel weak. I feel like i failed myself. i lost control of something i could have easily gained control of but instead i play aright trying to be strong taking on things when i didn't have the strength to do just trying to work on will power alone. i figured if i keep working things will change faster. It don't work like that but i hated where i was at i wanted more i got greedy. i always want more because i feel like i always had less or nothing so i finally wanted fruits of my labor. and when i seen them i wanted more. i was always told i can have the world and i wanted it. I WANT THE DAMN WORLD.

Now don't get me of course ll share with my circle. what i mean by that is if i work hard for something i want it all for me and that's it. If i write i want to be one of the best writers. If I do music i want to be one of the best. If i do any thing i want to be great. As admirable is it is, its hard and i don't let anyone in to help me because I have a fear of people. Letting people in means being breaking down walls. These walls i put up was to keep people out to save them because i know when i get to a point i can get explosive and things get broken hence why I'm not home anymore. Maybe this way of thinking is selfish but look what it prevented. every time a woman gets close to me they wind up regretting it. They see the good part of me without see my bad and explosive side. The side i try not show. its not their fault  its more of mine.


I need control.



i need to have control. 

Maybe I need weed

It helps me break down everything in a clear and concise manner.



You know what my problem is? I don't know how to be patient. My issue with everything for a long time is time. Being too late , rushing to much, not wanting to stay put, not wanting to get comfortable not knowing when to move , over staying my presentace . I just  feel like I'm in a race to get my life done . It's unlike a reincarnation where I would know what's happening it's more like knowing the plot of a movie or a book. But someone still force you to watch it when you just waiting for one part but you gotta watch the boring ones first. That's how I feel I want to go past all of this part of my life to get to the best part. Unfortunately for me the best part is the end. Because keep in mind ,I was obsessed by death. That was all I would surround myself with. I made death in my mind beautiful so I can go peacefully. That way I can imagine other people going peaceful and I won't have to fear it. However it backfired to the point where life don't matter. And I tried to beautify life in the same waybut it didnt work.  It's just by comparison I beautify death too much. To the point that in my head nothing  in life  can measure up to it. And to have it make sense to the cynic in me I had to make life seem worst in comparison.


See this smart and thinking complex is not all that it's cracked up to be



I also fought the fear of being alone. Its just stay to myself and get tired of my own company. But I have no problem being alone. Actually most times I prefer it. I don't feel like I can be expressive or even comfortable with other as much as I can be with myself. The problem come in at when I do get stuck in my own head. I either get self fish or i would mentally torturing myself. See because I know I'm supposed to be doing what I need to do. when I dont, I do what I used to do just mentally. I punish myself for being too laxed and not getting things done. And in order to get things done I need patience. It's hard to have patience because I'm too busy tourturing myself waiting for the end.

You see the shit I deal with


Funny now that I'm sober I'm back to my sensitive pessimistic self. It's actually sad  that a plant can be so effective when it comes to introspection. Now I just want to leave I want to get away from everyone go somewhere new. The only thing in my head now is end it all.



I just want the echoes to stop.

Just smile and wave

in my last post, i talked about controlling my emotions and how i will learn to keep them in only letting them out on here. Well, one feeling i have a feeling a lot lately is a loser. i feel like i have to make up for lost time. and try to do more my issue is the fact i try to compare myself to others when i dont need to. i have my own lane for a reason i just have to stick to it and alot of things come in between me and my goal. Some are a detriment the others are lessons but i shouldn't let obstacles stop me. This goes to my significant other.

"oh so we finally reached that part of the relationship"

what do you mean

"you know what i mean? the part of the relationship where communication becomes increasingly difficult so instead of keep fighting for something to say you just hold it in and lash it out on yourself or on here .......actually im surprised it lasted this long "

you dont understand this one its more than me having mental illness. One of my biggest annoyances is not being heard or having my words be undermined and not respected. In my world its the biggest crime you can commit because no matter how stupid or how much i disagree i respect the words that people say i listen to try to understand that is the only thing i expect back n return. However, with this relationship, my words are not only forgotten but trampled over misunderstood.

"so that's why you lash out on here"

basically


"............you ran out of things to say "

no but its this damn ASMR  video its so intriguing

"thats seems to be something to make you happy "
yea for now its the little things

i dont feel so good....

                            "Is there something in the air? Do you feel it? Is it close? Is it far? Is it here? Do you feel it? Are you happy? You sad? You scared? Do you feel it? Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it fair? Do you feel it? Is it real? Is it fake? Do you care? Do you feel it?"


I feel sick..... physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I had so much to write about. but for some reason I cant.
hang on

(change youtube video)

Ah ASMR something I can ignore but still have in the background.

I can't work in silence but I can't work and focus

especially when it comes to just expressing myself




I find myself slowly descending into madness. Days are getting darker and the nights are just cold. There is something called seasonal depression and maybe i get it but normally get the most work done around this time of the year. I try to get my anger out any way that i can. Because honestly i go to sleep angry and wake up the same no matter what. But why ? I have no idea I looked up the way of anger(heres the video) and see it comes when we don't feel alive in a sense. I've been feeling dead for a while. Could be the job I wake up and come here and just sit and wait and get paid nothing more and nothing less. The people here either complain or gossip. To not sound pretentious I'm a lil above that. i don't want to talk about that. its a lot I don't want to talk about but I'm forced too or a lot I want to talk about but I cant. ITs unfair on my behalf because I have certain emotions n thoughts I want to express but I can't completely. Not anything about ....." her " more on that later


I'm distracted again.... I'm getting tired this is unfair. I wanted to express myself I had things I wanted to say to slay my frustrations but no my mind shuts down as the energy drink drains my body. I just want my bed. That's going to be cold regardless if anyone is in. The only thing I can really just say is this.



Life is overrated being morally good is overrated. Love is overrated.

I want power. I said multiple times I believe the greed of power is the root of evil but I don't care. I'm tired of being behind I'm tired of being looked down upon. I want to have power. I want to be looked at as someone great I don't feel great I feel worthless and once again angry. I want the world to pay for what they did no not to me but to everyone else I had the power ill destroy this world. maybe that's why I like writing so much it gives me a control over a world. I believe I said that before but its the truth. I really hate the corruption of this world  .......This is why I want to die........ im corrupted if yall seen whats in my dark mind no one would talk to me that's why I try so hard to be good because I know how I can be

"The world turns its back on you 

you turn your back on the world"

My fucking body hurts my head hurts do it sounds like I'm complaining good I can show emotions here because on the outside world I can't I have to hold everything in. I want to emotionless on the surface or maybe I mean calm and collected not letting things get to me but beneath the surface, I'm making the next move like chess. my emotions always tell what I'm thinking when I don't care you know I don't care when I'm upset you know when I'm upset. With great training, I will learn how to hide all I have inside. My voice would betray me and my face won't betray me ill just be cool all the time. Maybe that would make the ones around me feel better so they no just scared to talk to me, oh you so aggressive .......ah fuck that shit"







IDC I'm done I'm tired

 

n i cant see

Isolation vs inclusion

 heAt peak isolation. I want everyone to fucking die. Yup even you. yup espealially me. yup even babies. I just look and see all it's flaws all the corruption that plaguing this world. All the sin,hate, negativity and purposeless pain that people spread is disgusting. It makes me sick people taking their personal issues and contaiminate  the rest of the planet with that virus. And like a wildfire it grows and if you dare try to put out that fire you will be burned if not killed for trying to stop it. Children don't need to be in this world. They don't need their innocence snatched away. You know what makes it worst now a days everyone is a judge and don't even know the power of their words. Letting slander and ignorance fill the air. I dispise ignorance. More than anything because I personally believe that understanding someone makes you empathize with that person and its a step closer to peace. But no one wants peace they all want drama. it's entertaining to these damn creatures. They feed off of conflict. Especially ones with no resolutions that's a damn buffet. And do you think I deserve to live hell no I've been trying get rid of myself for the longest. I'm flawed just like the others and deserve to be eliminated I will bring nothing good to a new world. If I had the powers to do it I would in a minute and not even care. Everyone have sinned and done wrong.

Can i just admit, me without sleep is psycho.i was talking total annihilation of a planet because of something i felt :isolation. Me personally i had this  thought belief or theory that its me against the world. I always felt that if i came into this world i will leave out the same way. The less help I will have to receive from people the less I have to care about them. That way I can say I don't owe you anything because I didn't ask for anything I got everything on my own. Sadly this way of thinking while in one sense can build up a sense of pride it also makes a barrier between me and everyone who I want to be close to. its a selfish agenda that hinders growth and it all because i got burned by people in the past. I try not to be so enclosed with myself i really do. I don't think a person who doesn't want to be would have multiple forms of outlets that would tell how he feels. however, at the same time its nothing new to be isolated every time I try to be inclusive rather with my feelings or anything else ill get misunderstood and after years of that and not being able to express myself it becomes an issue when I consistently get that I don't know face from people its annoying and it hurts. make no mistake about it i am a very sensitive person. often people forget due to my jokey nature or cold-hearted tendencies deep down inside I'm very very sensitive and being misunderstood make me become insensitive something that goes against my creed and it causes problems for me. Also and this may be an introvert problem, it's a real annoyance when people knock you out of your world. Being a writer where i have to make worlds does not help. It makes being close to people and social so hard because every now again I have my own thought processes and when interrupted I get ticked off. it could be a fear of losing control. Ever since I gained my life back I didn't want to lose it and I have a big fear that if I don't have a handle on certain things I will lose control. Feelings are included so when you become inclusive and let people in you lose that control. because you have to let things flow between the two of you that is difficult to do but not impossible.

am i Bi........????polar

Sometimes you just don't feel like yourself 

or in my case 

feel like a version of myself

Today feel like one of those days

I go back and forth with the feelings of inclusion and exclusion. Sometimes I do want to join everyone with the fun.  I don't want to be a stick in the mud who can't have fun due to thinking too much or too deeply. I want to be free and not be so worried about how I look in someone else eyes. I have restraints that hold me back. Then sometimes its something I couldn't care less about. The problem is finding a balance and foreal it's difficult. If you believe in astrology my moon is in Libra and my sun is Gemini so it's balancing out twins as I always say but lately, it's been more cerebral and if I could be honest more sexual

Changes dont stop at puberty 

1. Cerabal - My mental state lately has been bouncing off the wall. Between the mood swings of being extremely honest with myself speaking with no diplomacy and a sadness that seems to create a void that leaves me with an emptiness that cant be filled only forgotten about. If I tell people about this they ask the obvious question "well what were you thinking about?" and my answer "nothing". It just comes. I just wake up confident, ready to take on the world and all that it has.  i know that life has its setbacks but at the same time we can dictate our future and become the writers of our story. Then by the middle of the day out of nowhere, i feel like what's the point of keep trying. Why do anything? Nothing I do will measure up or even make an impact in any way. I call this bipolar but I don't want to self-diagnose because that's a problem with the populace. When it comes to mental health a lot of people use buzzwords like clinical depression when its probably just intense sadness or bipolar when they mean mood swings. My symptoms, however, sound like an acute form of such. Sleep plays a factor but its no way to really measure that accurately.

sexuality is on a spectrum

2. Sexually - I love the aesthetic of a woman. I find them very beautiful and always admire the beauty. Having a girlfriend holds you back from doing what you want which is give in to your carnal temptations and primal instincts. So this adds more restraints especially when being a cheater is what you were labeled as before in the past. To have that label and honestly be personally ashamed of it, it makes you want to hold back more. I have no desire to start and not hurt the one I love but I LOVE sex. The act of it, the feel of it, the art, the passion, the pleasure. yea, for me its not an easy task.Let's not confuse this with the human emotion lust. This is past lust. Sometimes it's insatiable and unable to focus on anything but the human body and the experience of climaxing even when times don't call for it.   No one is pure in thoughts all the times or maybe its just me. Not to say the temptation is too large that I can't control or handle it. It's just there. Its an elephant in the room in my mind if that makes sense.

I Know... Iknow..... ino

AS you see I'm writing more often lately. It's a good thing. it gives me an outlet counterbalance to the cage I feel like I'm living in. Soon or later I'm going to go to therapy to get a professional opinion. To describe my mood now I'm angry, im disappointed, I'm content, I'm blessed, I'm melancholy and hopeful. It feels like I'm under a watchful eye of an audience and sometimes i want to give them a show and sometimes i want to be left alone and not be seen. Maybe the audience is me.. and sometimes i want to show myself to myself and sometimes I want to hide all the undesirable parts. The scary part is how often I flip between the two.

"I seen better days if i pass after i die ..........celibrate" -Micky factz 

commitment and the issues i have with it

(the painting have nothing to do with this post i just want to show it )

When it comes to commitment no matter if its friendship relationship or even jobs I have something called a pressure limit. I truly believe everyone has this limit. The point where they won't be able to keep going. Which leads to many experiences going like this.

1. I take the drama out of loyalty no matter how much it is
2. I am not properly reciprocated 
3. I start to become very impatient
4. my impatience become annoyance until the point of disinterest 
5. the person or job gets its act together due to the time they had with me supporting them
6. The person or job looks at me for celebration 
7. I'm too detached to care
8. I'm looked like the bad guy 
9. we split

Forreal I didn't need to do the list I just feel like it works to see the flow of events and its a better understanding. I realize this by looking at my past relationship and current situations. Currently, I'm on point 7 on both too detached to care. it's not something I have control over well I do I put more on myself than I can bear and I believe somehow my efforts and struggle would be rewarded but most times I don't get the retribution I believe I deserve so I break. Me breaking look like me acting out of character, look towards something new or in some way or another I find a way to cause pain to myself. not physically but more of emotionally and mentally once the self-destruction pass I become detach because now its like I hurt me and you made me hurt me so you must be toxic to me you must have a distance. Something that anyone knows about me is I placed myself low. So, me being alone is nothing. I've done it before and actually kinda like it. it's a freedom that I only look out for my interest and my interest alone everyone else comes second. Jobs demand that they come first no matter what you need money what provides money a job. Jobs don't care if you don't feel well or if you OK or if you have money issues the only thing they care about is you doing your job. That constitutes being on time, making time for work, doing the best you can, give them all your energy and time. A relationship is a bit different.

People are not a corporation. They are not there to make money. They have feelings and goals and their own intentions. The main point is being there for that person no matter what unrequited. However, everything has its point and sadly I have reached my point. I know this because I give a nonchalant answer. you get my true logical cold and logically way of thinking. Emotions are not really cared for with this way of thinking. You get the actual me at my freest form. I don't have the restraints on me because I truly don't care. Now I have a creed I try to live by and I will never take off that much restraint to break that creed but it's enough to have noticed a difference. My nice guy demeanor fades and shatters and you see the big asshole that I am. Me being nice is not so much being fake or even a facade. i believe that not a lot of people are not nice and the point is to be nice and leave people with a good taste of you in their mouth .(that sounds freaky) With my job it's no coming back its nothing that they can do to actually make me want to stay and be happy and satisfied. With relationships, I fight to hold on. Why? because I feel obligated. Make no mistake the chart above is correct but just because I don't care now don't mean I won't care in the future. As I said before, people actually have feelings and these are fickle and very free-flowing. I just know how to make mines static. Also at the age, I'm at now (too young to have a midlife crisis but older to rent a car) I tend to want to try to keep the people who I find important to me around so its a commitment sure but it's not as strong as it could or probably should be.

No one is perfect and that's a lesson I'm still learning. People deserve chances and its up to the person they dealing with AKA me to determine how many chances they deserve. Its some people that i have a relationship with that others would say i should give up on. To me, that's sad. I know what its like to be given up on it hurts. It makes you feel dispensable and at any moment you can be placed in the trash again. This is the core root of why I have this undying loyalty to certain people I don't want to put that feeling on anyone but at the same time what about me? What am i supposed to do with all the stress and drama they put on me???..... I guess that s what i got the blog and the art of writing for. A hot song or a book or even a blog post can be a way to be therapy and a way to vent out my frustrations. It sounds simple I just don't do it as frequent due to the comfortably of typing

(like I am now ) on a computer rather on a phone. So, in essence, I have to be more committed to my art to be more committed to me to be more committed to people. (not jobs tho they get something different ) It's a lot but its possible. Last time i was tired to and to be honest, at this time i still am its just a lil bit more comforting being tired with your art that you are committed to.